can someone please edit this essay (on a 10th grade level) and tell me what i should change in it?

i’m writing a practice gateway, and i missed the day of peer editing
i cannot make up the final draft that we have to write in class, so i’m really relying on you guys to edit this for me
just tell me what doesn’t fit, or what is written incorrectly, all that good stuff
no one makes good grammar grades in my english teacher’s class and i want to be the first

thank you so much

One of the elements that many novels and movies portray is how there is a character that the other characters establish as the underdog. The character exhibits traits that may come across as peculiarity, loneliness, or maybe just high intelligence. This person is often teased and burdened, which William Golding demonstrates blatantly in his novel, Lord of the Flies. A group of boys are marooned on a desolate island after a plan crash, and the natural tensions of panic and chaos occur amongst themselves. One of the older, smarter boys named Piggy is at the core of being mocked due to his insight of their circumstances and disabilities. However, he realizes he has to use his wits to gain the cooperation of everyone to survive and formulate a rescue plan.
The rest of the young boys deem their situation as an adventure; a notion that is crushed when the mature and intellectual twelve year-old Piggy surfaces. Ralph, the central protagonist, is the first to tease him after Piggy regretfully tries to tell the uninterested boy his name: “They used to call me ‘Piggy’.”(Golding 5). Ralph simply responds to this by shrieking with laughter shouting “Piggy! Piggy!” (Golding 5). Ralph’s teasing of Piggy fades away towards the end of the novel; the other boys, especially the obsessive choir headmaster Jack, bombard him all throughout the book until his demise. People come up with myriads of nicknames for that one person who is different than what is considered normal. In these boys’ cases, however, Piggy’s difference—his maturity and intellect—is what the boys indirectly depend on in the beginning for their survival.
Golding’s description of Piggy in the beginning of the novel states: “he was shorter than the fair boy and very fat…looked up through thick spectacles” (Document A). Before Piggy met Ralph, he is aware of the situation and plans to “learn all the survivors’ names so that they can establish a form of order and be rescued” (Golding 5). Piggy’s aptitude as well as his cleverness is also shown when he is called to a physical task, to which he claims he cannot do due to his Asthma. This is best shown when he is disinclined to swim:
“I can’t swim. I wasn’t allowed. My asthma—-“(Golding 7)
Ralph deduces his lie, but from then on, Piggy is left out of most of the physical activities the boys do, “on account of my asthma” (Golding 3)
Piggy’s body and status are different from that of the other boys on the island, but so are his thoughts and approach of their situation. His initial thought is for he and the boys to be rescued off of the island, to which the boys do not support. They either follow the idea of Ralph and being free, or that of Jack and his choir boys, which hunt pigs for food. Piggy realizes and mentions the pilots are “all dead,” and that they are on an island: “Nobody don’t know we’re here. Your dad don’t know, nobody don’t know—“(Golding 8). The boys become ever more reluctant to the idea of rescue, because Piggy says “we may stay here till we die” (Golding 8). Jack, instead, reassures the boys by verbally abusing Piggy to make him look foolish and irrational. Piggy is then treated unfairly at a gathering Jack arranges, where he serves all the boys a piece of their hunted pig save for. Towards the end of the novel, Jack and his hunters become fanatical over killing pigs, which leaves one of the boys murdered. Piggy tries to cover up for the way the boys acted, insisting to Ralph that “it was an accident…he asked for it” (Golding 140). Piggy’s fears of obsession consuming the boys come true, and he and Ralph go to Jack and his hunters to try to get their heads focused back on being rescued and maintaining order. Unfortunately, Jack and his hunters roll a boulder on Piggy, killing him and all sense of civilization and order on the island.
Given that Piggy saw their situation different than the others, and because he looked and acted other than how the other boys did, they remained prejudice towards him and cast him and his ideas away from what they believed. Piggy wanted to be rescued, which unfortunately didn’t happen until he was killed. The prejudice and ‘beast’ within everyone is how situations like this end up with others being hurt. It is fairly straightforward to panic and take the effortless way out of unfamiliar situations; However, if people were to work together and keep conditions stable, anything as miraculous as being rescued off a desert island can be accomplished.

It’s not ment to be in any specific format, but i have to include at least 2 quotes in each paragraph and it has to
if you give me some smartass answer i will report you
who do you think you are to degrade others like that? you think you’re better? then show me by ‘teaching me’ if you don’t want to then don’t waste your time typing to this question. at least give someone that much respect

can someone please edit this essay (on a 10th grade level) and tell me what i should change in it?

Comments

Categories

Recent Posts